During my visit to the YMCA yesterday I realized how insanely hilarious my life is. (Not to me, but rather outsiders.) This epiphany came to me as I was trying to shave my bikini line in the sink of the family changing room before taking my kids to the pool. I had arrived just as the daycare was closing for 2 hours. That foiled my plan of dropping them off at daycare, working out, showering where I would shave my wilder beast body, and then taking them to the pool. There was no way I was going home. It had taken more than an hour of blood, sweat, and tears to get 3 children and myself ready and packed for the gym. I had to take them swimming until the daycare re-opened. Problem was, I resembled Big Foot. After changing my turd burgers into their swimsuits (not an easy task as Lily had a poopie diaper, Topher kept setting of the automatic paper towel dispenser, and Joey wouldn't stop opening the door so everyone could see his Mom butt naked) I slipped into my own and gasped with horror. It was obvious the kids wouldn't sit quietly while Mommy shaved her legs, bikini line, and under arms for half an hour. *sigh* F**k it. I'll just shave my bikini line since it's the most disturbing plot of hair revealed by my swimsuit.
Enter the kiddie pool. I get in and sit criss-cross applesauce as quickly as possible so that no one has time to gaze at my Woolly Mammoth legs. Lily delicately walks to me and sits in my lap. Thank God! She is covering up the horrific display of female laziness. Note to self: Do not raise arms! Now that we're all in and I'm super stealth I commence people watching. Oh great, super hot, rugged mountain man at 12 o'clock. Before I can look away and pretend I didn't notice his perfectly trimmed beard and imagined us hiking Pikes Peak together he makes eye contact. Of course he smiles. It's the smile parents of the opposite sex give to each other before they chat about their kids while really thinking about each other naked. I looked away and hoped he didn't take my stare as an invite to come over. Just then his wife comes in and I'm saved. Never mind! I look down and there is a little girl, about 3 years old, gently poking my daughter. Her gorgeous father swims up behind her. He's a bit older, but has obviously aged like a fine wine. Think Harrison Ford or George Clooney. He proceeds to tell me that his daughter has a doll at home that looks exactly like Lily. His little girl thinks her doll has come to life and that is why she is poking her. I don't know if it was the bushes growing from underneath my arms, but they got out of the pool about 2 minutes later.
After 45 minutes and a thorough pruning by overly chlorinated water we all head back to the family changing room. Son of a biscuit. There's my bikini line in the sink. I had forgotten to rinse it out and a woman and her 2 children had gone in there right after me. I am very sorry random Y mom. Very sorry.
Getting 3 cold, wet children out of swimsuits and into warm, dry clothes is easier said than done. After quite sometime I had them all dressed and ready to go to daycare. The trick was keeping them in the changing room long enough to get myself dressed, as I was still freezing in my swimsuit. Another round of "Please don't open the door while Mommy's naked" ensued with an added bonus of "Please stop turning the lights off so Mommy can see to get dressed" followed.
Now that I had burned 80,000 calories dressing, undressing, and re-dressing my kids I could hop on the treadmill. (By the way, I dropped Lily off right on time for her nap. Bullsh*t! The daycare should have gotten the poopie diaper, post-lunch energized version of her!) Finally 2 hours to myself! Alas, the first hour was spent running to nowhere while watching a muted That 70's Show re-run. The only joy I could take from torturing myself with cardio was a man who jumped on the treadmill right next to me. I had already been running for 25 minutes when he looked at my speed and programmed his to the same. Before I had even finished he pulled the emergency stop key on his machine. Pussy. He didn't even clean it!
The second hour of daycare was thoroughly enjoyed. I took a shower. The most glorious shower of all time. I was able to wash AND condition my hair! I shaved every disgusting hair from my flesh. Well, what do you know?! There was a woman underneath all this! There was no children screaming and banging on the door. I didn't have to pay a million dollars per gallon for the water. Nothing could ruin this. Oh, except for the beautiful and far younger woman who walked into the locker room as I stood there butt naked, playing angry birds.
